I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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