Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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