You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
