Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
