Yo dont text me then not text me
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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