Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
