that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
