Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I believe in your delicious
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
