Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
