I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
