I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
