I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
