Ambien. No doubt about it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
