It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
