I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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