apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
