hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
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im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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