I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
