I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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