i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
