Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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