THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
