Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
