Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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