mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
