The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm just crazy horny about you
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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