tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
