im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
