Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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