If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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