If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
