I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
