I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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