I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
