True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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