You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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