you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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