You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
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And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
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and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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