I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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