People in love make me want to vomit
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
