Please, let me fuck your mom
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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