just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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