so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
