I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
