My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
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