Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
