i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
