And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
