My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
