As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
