Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
worst night to have a conscience
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
