omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
