Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
