my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
