I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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